2003-11-30 - 3:49 p.m.

I have wasted three years of my life, so my heads tell me. I have been moping for around two of those years because of depression. I am running out of time, I hear the silent scream. How I wish I could go back and do things different I remark. I laugh just a little, these same thoughts have been running through my head since I was 11. I've been having way too long of a mid-life crisis, and I'm 21 years old. Yes, I have only completed one semester of college, dropped out of one semester. I did not work for two years after the fact. I have been working for a year now. I am 21 and a half, going to be 22 without completing a year of college. The numbers just keep on hitting me.

Its exhausting.

I regret wasting two years there, moping around, sleeping more than I was awake, staring blankly at nothing in particular.

Of course, I remind myself that the "I" which I am now wouldn't have wasted two years. That it is possible that the "I" then simply was unable to do more than he did. I expect I could have pushed myself more, but I can't say because that "I" does not exist anymore in me. I can only assume on standards of the "I" which I am now. Confused? You'll get it in time.

I am annoyed, frustrated, and upset that I have to suffer the consequences of the "I" which doesn't exist anymore. I hate that "I" for doing this to me. Didn't he think of his future "I"? Didn't he care what he was going to do to that "I"? No, he didn't. He probably didn't give a shit. He was more than likely too busy watching daytime court shows. He was more than note, too absorbed in his own "I" than thinking of the future "I"s that he'd be setting back.

I really don't like him. I can understand why his and my parents wanted to throw him out on several instances.

I really wish they had. It might have snapped him out of his self-sustained limbo and became more the "I" of which I am now.

But I can't say, because it never happened.

I suppose he thought that time was not passing, that time was in a freeze frame, waiting for him to come to it. He didn't realize that time didn't give two pennies for his problems, and that it was going as steadily as it had before his problems.

You might think I am being a little harsh on him, but I think someone being a little harsh to him would have done him good.

Oh, I could start blaming his parents for not being harsher and kicking him out, but thats passing the buck. And if you ever pass the buck, it'll never stop being passed around. Start at the source, you should start at the source, and that is him.

But I cannot let him destroy my entire life because of his self-absorbedness. Yes, because of the surprises life threw at him and his manner in dealing with them, I'm set back. But I am here now.

It is my time, and my choices now. I hate him for his slothfulness. Yes, I know his pain. But I don't liken him to a martyr one bit. Yes, I am a little merciless, but sometimes mercy can do evil too.

And this job of mine, I'm not going to let it get in the way of school that I am finally applying back for. If I have to move to a cheaper place, hell, god forbid, have a roommate or two, fine. I'll do it. I am not going to sacrifice the well-being of my brother "I"s in the future simply for my present "I"'s selfishness for privacy and domain and a $10 hour job.

The decision has been made. Now, actions will be taken.

petrichor

Write an entry to pianosa's diary of non-sense and possible madness.